Chaos Theory In Archie Comics

In 2009, Archie Andrews, the capricious lead character of Archie Comics, got married. Twice.  The check-out line staple comic book, which had spent the past 70 years following Archie as he is pursued by rich bitch Veronica and sweet tomboy Betty, had Archie settle down and choose, except they didn’t. What they did instead was split the Archie Universe in two, following one reality where he marries Betty and one where he marries Veronica.  It was the first time in decades anything of any interest had happened with Archie Comics, which had seemingly been in pun-filled limbo since the early 1950s.  But there were consequences…

A year later, Miss Grundy died. For those who didn’t waste their pocket change on this bit of kitschy Americana, Miss Grundy was the kids English teacher, and elderly woman who, towards the end of her life (as drawn) had realized that Riverside High School’s principal, Mr. Weatherbee, was in love with her. She reciprocated, and for the past few years, they have been married. That was a pretty big deal for Archie and the gang. There weren’t a whole lot of significant changes in their lives to that point. Hell, they had been high school juniors since the release of “Citizen Kane.” And then the big split came, and Miss Grundy got cancer and died.  Holy shit… Let me repeat that: The kids’ teacher, who had been a part of the comic since almost the beginning and had recently been married to the man who had been pining after her since the Truman administration, and who lived in a town so white bread that June and Ward Cleaver would be seen as radical swingers, got CANCER and DIED.  But only when Archie marries Betty.

That’s right. Miss Grundy is alive and well, still having skin flap-slapping octogenarian sex with Mr. Weatherbee, when Archie marries Veronica.

Today Archie is back in the news because the 50,000 or so members of One Million Moms, who clearly should find less things to worry about and spend more time learning to count, are protesting Toys R Us for selling the latest issue of “Life With Archie,” featuring a same-sex, interracial marriage between two men, one of whom is active military. That’s a pretty big jump in controversial material for a comics line where even the parents seem to be virgins. Kevin Keller, an officer in the armed forces, is marrying his black partner, Clay Walker. The fact that a conservative group like One Million Moms is protesting the issue is no surprise. What is a surprise is that, once again, it is only happening in the universe where Archie marries Betty.  There they are on the right, standing next to lonely widower Mr. Weatherbee.

There are plenty of differences between the two realities, but these are two major, news-worthy(ish) events within a universe where important things just don’t happen. And they both occur in one parrallel universe and not the other. I’ve watched “The Butterfly Effect” more than enough times (once) to know that there has to be an underlying cause behind the divergence. Translation: Marrying Betty causes cancer and leads us down the road to gay marriage.

When Archie marries Veronica, he is a rich, successful father of twins, Miss Grundy is alive, and society hasn’t broken down to the point where two dudes can get married. When he marries Betty, he is a high school music teacher who inadvertently killed his boss’s wife and doesn’t know that two penises don’t interlock. 

I’m not saying the austere writers of Archie Comics are trying to slip in some partisan message, but I also think that it is no coincidence that when Archie joins the 1%, gay marriage is still banned and Obamacare hasn’t death paneled Miss Grundy. 

Mark my words: This time next year, Jughead marries a sandwich and Riverside High becomes a liberal-socialist re-education center.